Relationship and dating Q&A for ladies
Ask me anything about your dating and relationship problems, dilemmas and challenges
Author: Zoltan Gregor
These are questions women have asked me by e-mail, during the dating and relationship course or in everyday conversations. Most questions are edited for clarity and brevity. If you have a question or a comment about my answer or you have a different answer, please send it to me by e-mail: email@example.com.
Please, state your gender and age and other useful info about you in your question. It would give a better understanding for the readers.
Q1. I am dating a guy who is dating with other girls, too. We have good time and feelings to each other when we meet. Does he like me? Is he a playboy? How can I make him choose me and leave the other girls? How long should I wait? Does he want to make a commitment?
A1. I had a similar situation a couple of years ago. I had 3 regular female partners and still kept meeting new ones. All of them knew about this because I told them. I even introduced some to each other. They accepted the situation but of course each hoped that I will make a commitment to her. The reason I did not make a commitment for any of them because they were not good enough. One of them did not want to stay overnight, another was too boring etc. So I treated them as friends with option. Finally I met a new girl and after 1 month I choose her and we made a commitment. I kept the other ladies as regular friends.
Back to your question. You cannot force or negotiate with a man to become exclusive with you. Just be the best for him and let him decide. If you fit to his needs and he thinks you are worth to make a commitment, he will do it.
What you can do is try to spend more and more time with him. Be active and initiate programs with him. Try to schedule more and more time with him and be sure he enjoys every moment with you. Men know that women will not wait for ever and and if you are really great for him, he will choose you.
When a man keeps several girlfriends it is not because he cannot make a commitment or he wants to be a playboy forever. It is because none of his women are good enough to give up his freedom and the enjoyment of variety.
Enjoy the time with him, give him enough time to adjust his mind and make a decision. If you do not like this situation, just break up. Watch out the progress with him. If he stops spending more and more time with you for a longer time, it is a clear sign that you are not the chosen one.
Whether you should keep dating with this other guys and being a member of his harem, it is up to you. If you date with other men, do not do this as a revenge or pressure tactics. Just do whatever you like doing and let him do the same and see whether you match or not.
Q2. I am a 25 years old traditional Chinese girl. I want to make love only after I get married. I have had a boyfriend for 8 years and he met a new girl and they had sex. He says he loves me and regret what he did. What can I do?
A2. Men want sex. Big surprise. What you can do is to choose a man who shares and respects your values.
Or you can change your beliefs and values. Just because Chinese have had a value and tradition about sex and marriage for thousands of years, you do not need to follow them. It is your life and you can choose your own values. Do not live the life your parents, relatives, the media and friends programmed into your mind. Also do not follow what I am trying to program now.
If you do not give your man what he wants, he will go and get it from others.
Getting married without having sex before is irresponsible. How do you know that you fit together sexually? What if you two find out after marriage that you do not enjoy sex together. Or one of you want it more often. Love is just one component of the good sexual experience. Don't believe that if people love each other the sex will be great by definition.
So either get a new partner or change your mind. You do not match in an issue that is very important for both of you. Do not blame him for his need.
Q3. My husband and I hardly ever make love and we do not communicate. I cannot divorce because we have a 6 years old son and I do not have enough income to live without my husband's money. I feel trapped. I am still attractive and I can get men easily but they just want sex and nothing more because I am married and has a son. Any way out?
A3. I do not have a magic solution for your situation. Try to communicate with him and find a solution for the problem together. Maybe it works, maybe not.
You see no solution because your need for financial security is much stronger than your need for freedom and a happy relationship. You are trapped in your marriage because you are trapped in your current mindset.
If I were you, I would reduce my expenditure to the minimum, ask help from my family members to support me and the child and leave the man. Don't forget about the child support.
You may think you sacrifice your happiness for your son's future. But you don't. If your son grows up in a dysfunctional family, he will learn a lot of things you do not want him to learn and it will influence his attitude to women, his self-esteem and moral judgement. The money problem is usually not so serious as it seems especially if you have a job.
As a divorced woman, you will have more chance to find a man who loves you than trying it secretly.
Q4. My colleague often looks at me and makes up excuses to talk to me. Do you think he likes me? I hope so.
A4. Nobody knows, only him. We cannot read another person's mind. So give up guessing because you will never know regardless what he does or says to you.
However, as a rule of thumb: if you get the feeling that he likes you, you're probably right.
Just because you are a woman, you do not need to be passive. You can give clear signals to him that you welcome his approach. You can also go to him and talk.
Maybe he is shy. But it does not matter. He can be a great boyfriend. He might be shy at the beginning but when he feels that you accept him, he will be more confident and open up.
He can be hesitant to make his move because it is a working situation and if things go wrong between you two, it can cause problem, especially if you work close to each other.
If this particular job is not so important for you, I encourage you to make your move and see what happens. Just be ready to accept the consequences of your action.
Q5. I don't think your dating course works. I do not think you can help me.
A5. You are right. I cannot help you.
Q6. I sent a long e-mail to the guy I am dating with. But he sent back only a short answer. What does it mean?
A6. I get tons of "What does it mean?" questions from women. Stop interpreting everything what a man does or does not do, says or does not say. Look at the big picture. The whole relationship. There can be a million reasons why he writes only a short message. You will not know and it does not matter. You are playing the worst scenarios in your mind and it makes you crazy and kills your love.
If you focus on these types of "problems" a lot of times, it is a clear indication that you have serious relationship and mental problems. First, it means that you are insecure and needy. It shows that you are a control freak who wants the man behave as you expect him to behave. You also waste your time, create unwanted emotions for yourself and poison the relationship in your mind.
Then it shows that your main concern is that you may invest your time into the wrong guy and you do not want to be a loser. It is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You do not want to lose - but you will. If your desire is not losing rather than building a loving relationship with your man, you will be out of that relationship soon. The not-losing strategy never wins. It just prevents losing.
I have never seen a woman in a happy relationship who asks these kinds of questions. Not the question is wrong but the person's thinking. Enjoy the time with the man, relax and see only the big picture. Let it go. No need to interpret everything and you will not get the correct answer from your mind or from other people, anyway.
If your mind is fixated on these questions, you can be sure you lose any good guys quickly. Let it go.
Q7. I seemed had made a joke on someone who doesn't like the joke at all. I apologized. He said it is ok but did not say anything else. Should I contact him again or just leave him for a while?
A7. You made your apology. He acknowledged it. But it does not mean he wants to communicate with you again. Wait for a few days and start a new topic. Then he will decide to restart the relationship or not. Just accept his decision.
Q8. I graduated from secondary school six years ago. My former teacher moved close to where I live in Ma On Shan and we meet in the street sometimes. He is showing interest in me and keeps bumping into me. I told him that he is my teacher so he cannot be my boyfriend. He keeps chasing me.
A8. He is not your teacher now. He was your teacher 6 years ago. It is relevant for you only because you choose to think in that way. You put him in the "teacher" category and your mind is locked in this idea. If you are interested in him, put him into the "potential boyfriend" category and let him chase you and catch you at the end.
If you are not interested, tell him clearly. You are giving him the wrong message by keeping telling him that you do not want to get involve with him because he was your teacher. He hopes he can change your mind and see him as a man. This can make him crazy. Don't play with his emotions.
Q9. I have had a black boyfriend for 2 months. He is from Africa but lives here in Hong Kong. We meet 3-4 times a week. He said he loves me and wants to marry me. He always talks about getting married. Does he love me or he just want HK permanent identity card?
A9. I have talked to several women who had similar situation. Their black men are usually from Nigeria and they met them through Hong Kong Cupid, an online dating service. They are usually interested in women who are a few years older than them.
What is interesting is that these ladies became addicted to these men and their culture. So when they break up they usually start to date soon with another black guy, often with the friend of the previous one.
I followed the story of a Chinese woman who flew to Nigeria for the wedding. Another woman dated 4 black men one after the other. Another girl had a black boyfriend who lives in the Mainland and speaks Mandarin. Now she is dating with his friend.
I have no idea whether they just want Hong Kong permanent ID cards and whether they just use these women or not. But these ladies all fell in love with them easily. They must have some magic power.
Q10. My husband visited a prostitute in Mainland China.
Q11. My boyfriend is a westerner and wants me to cut off my pubic hair. I don't want to do that.
A11. If you hire a landscape artist to take care of your precious flower in the middle of your garden and he asks you to weed out your garden, just do it. Then he will have stronger motivation and better access and working condition to handle your flower for your satisfaction.
You can insist that it is your garden and you want to keep the bushes around the flower as a protection and tradition. But don't be surprised if your landscape artist does not do a good job or change to a better garden where he can utilize his talent better.
Q12. I have 5 boyfriends.
A12. Congratulations! I hope you tell them so they can adjust their expectations and they do not get hurt. It is not nice to mislead people. It is not enough not to lie. Letting people believe and assume things because you withhold information is also a lie. Be honest to them and most of them will accept it.
Q13. I was chatting online with a British guy for weeks and then we met. He was very nice and we made love. After that meeting he totally changed and avoided me. I am in love with him. Why did he change?
A13. The sex was not good enough with you for him. He has many other girls who are better than you in bed.
Don't be sticky. Let him go. And you go and practise to be ready for Mr. Right. Otherwise you will lose him, too.
Q14. Is it a good way to terminate the relationship through text messaging?
A14. If you have had a long relationship with someone, it is more respectful to meet and tell him your decision.
For a short relationship it is more acceptable to do it impersonally. However, do it in a polite way and say thank you for the time together.
Another factor you can take into consideration is whether he did something against you.
Q15. I am 39. I am still virgin because I was abused by a family member when I was young. I am afraid of sleeping with a man. I haven't had any serious relationship either.
A15. That man hurt you a long time ago. You have been hurting and torturing yourself ever since mentally and emotionally.
Some people use their trauma and wound as an identity and as a tool to get sympathy from others. They often talk about their wounds. They have a strong need for people listen to their stories and feel sorry for them. Then they feel good, recharged and validated.
Live your life in this present moment and get over the past tragedy. You cannot change what happened but you have power to choose your present thinking. Focus on the new men you meet and give up your victim mentality.
If your thinking is always about you and your past abuse, you cannot concentrate and focus on your new man. You are more involved in your self-pity than the needs of the man who wants to connect to you. You cannot give and build a happy relationship until your thoughts revolve about you and your past.
If you telling your story to people to get understanding and make them feel sorry for you, you will get understanding and sorry but not love. Your thinking is selfish.
You need to get rid of this emotional vampire mentality. I know it is difficult because you conditioned yourself to suck out sympathy from people to get affection. But that is just an illusion. Nobody cares.
Let the past go and enjoy your life in the present. Forget about your story and get interested in other people.
Q16. Somebody said in a previous question "I don't think your dating course works. I do not think you can help me." And you answered "You are right. I cannot help you." What do you mean?
A16. If you want to improve your dating and relationship by learning from others, you need to have an open mind and desire to listen. If you do not think you can learn from me, you will learn nothing because you will doubt and question everything I say.
Critical thinking is important but that is the last phase of learning. First you need an attitude to listen to new ideas with interest. Maybe the other person can tell me something I have never thought of.
You need to understand what the teacher or speaker says first. Then think about the situation the new ideas, concepts, techniques or methods work. You need to try and experiment with them. And of course you need to be critical, too. Think of the limitations of the new stuff you have learned and do not accept anything just because an "expert" says so.
When I was younger I had the same attitude as the person who made that comment has. My main focus was to challenge the teachers and speakers all the time because I was so "smart". After I gave up that attitude and started to listen, I started to really improve myself.
A person can learn from me if they want, but I cannot teach them anything against their will. So she was right.
Q17. My partner always forces me to do things in bed that I don't want to do. I want to stop him but I don't want to lose him.
A17. Tell him very clearly what you don't want to do. Ask him whether he can accept it or not. If not, no more bed meeting. If yes, be sure he keeps his promise. If he still forces you, leave the room.
On the other hand, you can be also more flexible and learn to enjoy what he wants.
Q18. My husband plays on the computer all the time and ignores me.
A18. He finds the computer more enjoyable than you.
You can upgrade yourself to wife 2.0, that is, make yourself a more attractive woman.
You can tell him clearly that you want to spend quality time with him. Suggest interesting programs that you can do together.
You can also find a hobby for yourself and then you don't need his time and attention.
If it doesn't work, find a new man.
Q19. My 17 years old daughter does not come home sometimes. I cannot control her. At least she tells me that she will spend the night with her "friend".
A19. You cannot control another person. Give up this idea. Let her live her own life.
If you worry that she does something bad, talk to her. Be her best friend and advisor. It is easier to influence her with care and love than with order and control.
Q20. I met this guy for the first date. I suggested him to go in a restaurant to eat. He chose Cafe De Coral. We were waiting at the cashier to pay and I told him that I am going to reserve the seats. He never came and we haven't communicated since then. He just disappeared.
A20. Of course. You invited him to the restaurant and you escaped before you had to pay. Probably he thinks you wanted a free dinner or lunch and he does not want to pay.
You should have offered and give him half of the money and stay there at the cashier until the payment. Then you can go to reserve a seat and he can bring the food.
Q21. I am a smoker but I do not smoke when my boyfriend is around. He keeps pushing me to quit smoking. How can I stop him nagging me? Any good tip?
A21. By quitting smoking. But probably you do not want to hear this.
It is not only about not blowing the smoke into his face. Smokers smell very bad all the time even from 1-2 meters distance. Who wants that smell? Your hair, clothes, mouth must be very smelly for him, especially when you are in a small room. I guess you are not aware of this.
He might also despises you because he can see smoking as a weakness. Low willpower, addictive mindset - it is not attractive.
Q22. I caught my 16 years old daughter kissing and hugging with her female classmate when she came to our home. I entered her room without knocking. The friend comes once or twice a week. Is my daughter lesbian? I worry about her.
A22. Don't worry. They cannot make each other pregnant and the risk of STD is also low. If she is lesbian, you have less things to worry about.
Q23. Do you believe in pure love?
A23. I do not know what you mean about pure love. But it seems that you are more attached to the concept of love than to a man. You have fallen in love with the idea of love.
If you mean pure love is relationship without physical intimacy, my answer is no. Physical connection is the main point in male female relationship.
If you mean unconditional love: I have never seen anyone who can love a real person unconditionally. If your man steals your money, beats you up, lies to you and so on, you will not love him. We all love other people conditionally. If they fit to our expectations and values, we love them. If not, we don't.
However, I believe that we can find a partner who is a very good match and we can live together happily - as long as our main conditions met.
Q24. I don't attract men and cannot keep them because I have a flat chest.
A24. Yes, most male are more attracted to the hilly land than to the plain. But you can compensate this physical condition with great personality and service. It is not a big problem for most of the men.
Find another explanation why you are not successful with men. Start with your mindset, especially with your beliefs about what the opposite sex really wants.
People are tend to be more tolerant with physical unattractiveness if it is not the fault of the person. Problem with breast size, body height, boldness and ugliness are different from problems with body odor, obesity, dirtiness because they are not associated with bad attitude and laziness.
Q25. I start to feel closer to my boyfriend and I want to share more things with him. I have done things in my life that I regret and feel shame of. I worry if I tell him, he will break up with me. What is your advice?
A25. Lying is giving false information. But for me it also includes not telling the other person things that he would like to know or should know. You cannot hide behind the excuse that you do not know whether he would like to know your dark secret because you are thinking of whether to tell it to him or not. That is, you know it is an important issue.
Do you want him to build a good relationship with you or with that other woman you want him to think you are? If you do not let him know you, he will not love you but the fake version of you.
It is a bit more complicated than that though. A person does not have a direct relationship with another person. We have a relationship with our mental concept of the other person. That is, we love or hate our own idea or image of the other person.
So now the question is: do you want him to relate to a more accurate or a less accurate concept of you in his mind?
His mental concept of you is always simplified. Now you have a choice to help him have a more accurate model of you and develop a relationship accordingly.
On the other hand, you are not the same person who you were in the past. And he is building a relationship with your present version. So why would it matter what the old version of you did? She has gone. And only the present and the future counts.
Q26. I am a 25 years old woman. Sometimes I feel that my father is looking at my body as other men do. Sometimes he keeps his hand on my back or thigh. He does this even when my mom is there and it seems normal to her because she does not say anything.
A26. Sometimes it is not easy to guess the other person's intention and what they want.
If you don't like it, tell him in a nice way that you prefer no physical contact. And put on more clothes at home. For example, instead of wearing shorts, wear trousers that cover your legs. Also, watch out how you sit or lie on the sofa when you watch TV. You are not a little girl any more. Be aware what turns men on and do not do that at home.
Sometimes family members, like your mom, does not want conflict or lose the man so they pretend that nothing happens. She will play down or deny what's going on as long as she can. You need to stand up for yourself.
Q27. A married man wants to date me. I like him but he is married. Shall I get involved with him?
A27. Yes, if he has already told this to his wife. But it is not easy to get evidence that it has actually happened - even if he says so.
Yes, if you just want fun. If he is cheating his wife, it is their business. It is not you who ruins their marriage but them. He probably cannot satisfy his emotional and physical needs at home. Their marriage ended already in the man's mind when he first thought of trying new women. If it is not you, it will be the next woman who takes him. So why not you? However, you may feel guilty later to hurt his wife.
And no, if you want a serious, committed relationship with this man. You will never trust him and you should not. He can do the same things to you as he does to his wife. It will always be there in the back of your mind and you will be jealous. Don't build a future with a cheater.
Q28. I am still single because there are much more women than men in Hong Kong.
A28. You are single because you are using this as a justification not to try to find a man.
Let's say there are 500,000 single men in the age range you are interested in. And 900,000 women who are available for them. You put yourself in the category of the 400,000 losers who could not get a man if all of them would be taken. Wrong.
There are 500,000 single men for you. They are not taken. And even if only 1% of them is a good match for you, it is still 5,000.
Many people think like you. They are not proactive in finding a partner because they do not believe they can find one. I guess at least 80% of single men and women are passive. So you are not competing with many women. You are competing with your own misbelief and laziness.
"The fewer men than women" factor is not a reason why you are still single. So get up and meet the first dozen of your 5,000 men waiting for you out there - not hopping that they can get a woman. But is does not make them a bad boyfriend.
Q29. I met online a man who lives in the UK. We chat every day on MSN.
A29. It is possible that your dream come true by long distance relationship. However, it takes too much effort to develop a relationship with someone who is so far.
I suggest women not to waste their time with men who are not in Hong Kong. Especially, if they have never met personally, just met online.
Q30. I am 173cm tall and most men in HK are shorter than me.
A30. It is not clear whether your height is a problem for men or for you.
If men want shorter women, you cannot do too much. You can pretend that you are a short girl, but sooner or later they will find out. By the way, men don't care about your height when you are both in a horizontal position at home. But some may feel insecure showing up with you in public.
If meeting short guys is a problem for you, then just change your mind. This is one of those limiting values people unnecessary hold.
Q31. My sister always tries to steal the men I meet.
A31. Say thank you for her. She cares about you and she is testing them whether they are loyal to you or not. If she can seduce them and steal them from you, it is not worth keeping them anyway.
Q32. Is the condom or the contraceptive pill more safe?
A32. Even when you take the best contraceptive pills, there is a small chance that you become pregnant if you have sex. But when a man uses condom as a protection, he never becomes pregnant.
However, if you worry about your pregnancy more than his pregnancy, pills are safer if you follow the instruction. Condoms can break and slide off.
If you take birth control pills, you keep the control in your hand. Some men put on the condom too late or take it off too early and you may not notice it or you do not care at that moment because you are too aroused.
Condom can reduce the risk of getting sexually transmitted diseases. If you are not sure whether you and your partner are clean, ask him to use condom.
Using a combination of pills, condoms and not having sex is the best way to prevent pregnancy and STD.
Instead of the traditional sex, consider oral sex. It is safer. Oral sex is when you just talk about sex.
Q33. I get hurt in my previous relationship and I am afraid of getting involved emotionally again.
A33. The dilemma of getting involved with a man again or not only exists because you cannot control your thinking that leads to your emotions. The solution is learning to handle the challenges of life.
Here are some mindsets that you can adopt and see your situation differently.
When you get involved in a relationship be aware that it probably will not last until one of you die. Yes, some couples get lucky and one of them dies before they break up. Does it sound better than breaking up?
Almost all relationships end with breaking up, so expect that. Enjoy the time with the man while you are together and finish gracefully when the time comes.
Focus on the other person rather than on your own misery. Give your heart to him, rather than protect it and hide it from him.
Withdrawing is never the solution. Get out of your comfort zone and take the risk. It makes you grow. Expect relationship challenges and welcome them. They make you a stronger, more attractive woman. The medicine for being afraid is doing courage.
Men do a lot of things that are not nice. You can acknowledge that as part of life. Not a big deal. Move on.
Never love a man much more than you think he loves you. You two should develop emotionally at the same pace.
Q34.My boyfriend wants to make love with me once or twice every day and I prefer just when I have mood, maybe once or twice a week. He complains that I reject him and I feel he is pushing me.
A34. If physical satisfaction is an important issue for any of you, your relationship is doomed to fail. It is just question of time when it explodes.
When he is not satisfied physically, he feels rejected and it causes emotional problems for him in the short run. When unmet needs accumulate in the long term it causes physical and mental problems.
He will find ways to satisfy his needs. If you don't want what he offers, delegate the job to other women or step aside and let him find another lady who is a better match for him. Find another guy for yourself who has the same desire as you do.
Q35. My husband and two teenager sons do not help me at the housework. I have to do the shopping, cooking, cleaning, washing etc. while I have a full time job. And they do not appreciate my work. I feel that they use me as a maid or slave only.
A35. You treat yourself as a slave. If you do not like to do those things, tell them and ask them to help. Delegate the housework.
The problem comes when you think that certain chores must be done but nobody else thinks so. Once I lived together with a woman who wanted to clean the flat 2-4 times a week. That was total ridiculous for me because I thought that I can clean when I feel that it is dirty enough. So I never cleaned because she cleaned when the flat was still clean and then she complained to me that I do not help her.
Some people just cannot relax and enjoy doing other things. They might be perfectionist and do long cooking, cleaning, big shopping. Others prefer to save time and energy and do these thing much quicker or not doing at all.
Instead of complaining, why don't you join them and have fan. If they are hungry, let them manage the food for themselves.
Q36. I live together with my boyfriend. I want to marry him but he does not want to. We are happy together and want to be together forever. But our difference views of our marriage cause friction in our relationship.
A36. The institution of marriage was invented thousands of years ago. At that time people lived in smaller communities and they needed a system to allocate a woman for each man (or vice versa). At that time it was difficult to find new partners.
Today marriage is not for everybody. It is nice when two people stay together forever but the reality is that people become so picky that they quit easily. And there is no point to get married nowadays. Just enjoy the time while you two are together, make each other happy and when the time comes, just have an easy break up. No need to make it difficult with legal issues.
Just imagine that you lived in a society when marriage wouldn't not exist and nobody knows about it. I guess you would not invent marriage. You want to get married now because this society brainwashed you. You may think it is the way. Or you hope for more security and stability and you want to cement your man in a legal commitment so that he does not leave you so easily. Or maybe you think that being married is a higher status than being single.
Just enjoy your time with your man and let the idea of marriage go away. Do not ruin a happy relationship just because you are infected with an idea.
Q37. Many of my friends say that I am a pretty, smart woman who has everything a great guy would want. Still I do not have a boyfriend. Why?
A37. How should I know?
Q38. My friends who have boyfriends always talk about what their boyfriends bought to them. They take the guys for shopping and the men pay for clothes, bags, dinner etc. But my boyfriend does not want to buy me anything. How can I make him buy gifts and all the other stuff for me.
A38. First, apply the principle of reciprocity. Buy a lot of things to him: clothes, bags and take him to expensive restaurants and you pay. Then he will return the favor and he will voluntarily offer to pay next time.
Another way is transfer $100,000 to his bank account and ask him to spend all this money on you. He will be very generous.
You can also join your friends when they take their boyfriends for shopping. Let the guys pay for the articles you choose.
Q39. What is the secret of a good relationship with a man?
A39. Selection. Don't settle down with someone you have doubt about. Don't expect that you can change the other person permanently. And do not go into a relationship that you need to tolerate a lot of things the other does or does not do. Keep searching until you find a real good one and enjoy the journey meanwhile.
When the quality of the relationship is declining, quit. Don't stay there for one or more years hoping for change.
For example, if you had 3 four-year relationships where in average the first 3 years were great and the last 1 year was bad, you could increase the quality of your relationships by quitting 1 year earlier in each. Thus, you could have 4 good 3-year relationships during the same 12 years. Yes, complicated maths.
Choose the person that you want to be happy, successful, healthy etc. and vice versa. If one of you is envy, jealous or does not want the best for the other, break up and find someone else.
To have a good relationship keep away from the bad relationship and start searching again.
Always improve yourself and be an attractive woman. Spend a lot of time to meet dozens and even hundreds of men so you can compare them and select the best match.
Q40. What is the best way to find a husband?
A40. Let me answer it by my article I wrote in EzineArticles
Why Do Most Husband Hunters Fail?
Husband hunters are women who desperately want to get married as soon as possible.
On the surface they may seem family oriented ladies who want to settle down, start a family and even have kids in many cases. However, there is a deep-rooted problem behind this idyllic picture that they don't realize.
Husband hunters want a husband and a marriage. They are committed to the idea of the institution of marriage. They want a legalized relationship first and looking for a man who can fit to this role.
Let me contrast it with a healthier relationship model to see what the problem is with it. She meets one or several men, knows them better, and sees what she can do with them. The relationship can be romantic, physical or it can develop into a boyfriend girlfriend relationship, friendship, business partnership or marriage. In these cases she starts with an open mind and really focuses on the men she meets. Then she chooses the relationship together with her partner. Getting married or not is not the main point. She focuses on the man and connects to him and not to the concept of marriage.
The male counterpart of a husband hunter is a playboy. The man is interested in sex only and looking for women who are willing to cooperate.
A husband hunter is addicted to the idea of getting a husband. She will not have a healthy relationship with him because she is married to the idea of marriage first and primary. She is interested in the man only as long as she sees him as a potential spouse. He is just a mean for her to an end.
There are different reasons why some females become husband hunters.
Some have already kids, are divorced and need help.
Some want money and other financial benefit. This sub-group overlaps with the gold diggers.
Some women want to get married because it means an upward movement in status. Many people attach higher status to married people than to single ones, especially in traditional societies.
But most husband hunters want a husband because of emotional security and neediness.
They are lonely and they think marriage is the solution. They need the legal confirmation from the man that he does not run away easily.
These women usually have low self-esteem and they want to cement their men into the relationship as a guarantee for their happiness.
Husband hunters are not patients. They encourage men to take action and if the man is too slow, they start to initiate and sending more and more obvious signals. They use all means to get the guy including sex quickly hoping to make the man stay.
Most men can smell husband hunters easily and avoid them or exploit them before they dump them.
Husband hunters often show flexibility and generosity but it is only to support their selfish interest. They suddenly change their attitude if they find that he does not want to get married or they lose their interest in the men.
Husband hunters are not the worst category of women. At least these ladies are active, social, initiative and have clear goals and conscious strategies. They believe that they can do something to improve their lives and they take actions.
However, most of their strategies are counter productive. They are controlling and pushing men who will run away finally. Nobody likes a partner who has a clear agenda of what role one should fulfil. Nobody likes to be a tool to satisfy others’ selfish interest.
Having a desire to getting married when you don't even have a boyfriend or your relationship does not reached that level is a mental problem. It is an addiction to the idea of marriage and it prevents building a real relationship with a man.
Husband hunters see only one solution for their desire: getting married.
Letting it go, giving up the idea of getting a husband and living a happy, independent life are the keys to overcome this problem.
Enjoy the journey of life and don't wait for the "I do" as a permission, goal and signal for beginning happiness.
When you become so satisfied in your solitude or with your boyfriend that marriage is not a necessity for your happiness and it is not in your mind any more, you will become an attractive woman men will chase and beg for marriage.
Q41. I'm a 32-years-old woman and dating a man who is 30+ years older than me. I think we don't have much chance because my family will not accept him.
A41. It seems to me that it's you who doesn't accept him in front of your family. I guess you didn't try to introduce him to your family members because you worry about what they think of you. they may or may not accept him and they may or may not criticise you. The question if he worth of trying and accepting the consequences.