Site map

Dating and relationship Q&A for men

Share your difficulies and frustration related to women

Author: Zoltan Gregor

These are questions men have asked me by e-mail, in my dating and relationship course or in everyday conversations. The questions are edited for clarity.

If you have a question, please send it to me by e-mail: admin@communicationcoursehk.com.

You can state your gender and age or other useful info about you in your answer if you want. It would give a better understanding for the readers and for me.

dating and relationship advice for men

Q1. I'm an Asian man, 36 yrs old. Since last 8 yrs I am in a relationship with my GF. She is a working woman, caring and loving person. She is not a fancy or show off kind of person.

I am also caring, loving and patient person. We both are financially independent. We do not live together but on weekends and holidays I stay over her place. But we meet everyday after work outside or at her place to chit chat about our day. We are physically active and attracted to each other. She like shopping with me, cooking for me (of course I do help).

I must say she is little dominant in nature or say strong headed. There are certain things I like to do but she don’t so I avoid doing those things so that I can spend time with her like socializing, hiking.

Most of the time we spend doing things together. We go for vacations say twice a year, not necessarily exotic locations always, sometimes even just cross border.

Recently we went for a trip on Christmas. It was by far our most memorable and fun trip. There we meet a group of guys on a speed boat as we were doing para sailing. One of the guy was taking video of everyone and we were together on that boat for 2 hours, we never meet them before or after that. My GF shared her email ID and requested that guy to send our videos. That guy send her videos nearly after 25 days. After that both exchanged their numbers and started chatting on WhatsApp.

In the recent CNY holidays as I was staying over her place I observed she was chatting with him until 3 - 4 am. I thought to observe her activities so I didn’t ask why she was up till late. She started hiding her mobile with me, she did not like me touching her, she went quiet. Still there were 2 more holidays left but she asked me not to stay over her place for some time as she is bored with our relationship and needs time to miss me. She still wanted to meet me, I can call her, go to movie and do stuff as we were doing before. She is still chatting with that guy till late night, as of now I have not shown her any indication that I know about that guy. I meet her yesterday after gap of 3 days, took her out for dinner. She didn’t kiss me or hold my hand. I am still in love with her.

I understand by all means she have full right to be happy in life and make her choices. But is right for her to hold me and our relationship and try with other man? If other one doesn’t work she will get back to me.

Now I am in dilemma if :
- I should just completely break up with her and move on OR
- win her over again and pretend as if I have no clue about that other guy OR
- I confront her point blank OR
- I just wait and watch for her to decide first.

A1. Would you have this dilemma if you could easily get great women?
Don't look back and don't think about your 8 years together. That is sunk cost.

Start to become a better, more capable man who attracts women and does not depend on one.
Improve your dating skills and start dating with new ladies.

You can break up if you are strong and ready. Otherwise, don't break up and don't confront her. Just be passive and meet her only if she asks you out. If her behaviour is not appropriate at the meeting, end that date and go home. Don't complain to her. Just ask yourself if she does the things you want her to do and whether you are happy, jealous or angry when you are with her.

I guess she thinks you are weak, boring and useless. She does not see too much value in you any more. Until she values you high again, she will treat you shit. So devaluate her. Don't make her more important for you in your mind than she values you. Don't beg her. Meet your friends more, get new hobbies etc.

Live a happy life without her and maybe she will join you again passionately or maybe not. It should not matter. Your life and happiness should not depend on one specific person.


Q2. {Follow up for Q1}
I guess you are right.... she is taking my humble nature and politeness as weakness. She is taking me for granted. Also agreed I should not look like I am begging.

Its mixed emotions between happy and jealous. Happy if her decision turns out to be right for her, I am her well wisher. Jealous as my 8 yrs of investment is turning into sunk cost. No shame to admit.... it hurts. But I am trying to stay positive and sane.

I think I am yet ready to start to date with new women.

I have one quick question.... why your opinion is not to break up with her immediately ?? It hurts a lot. What can I achieve ?

A2. Look at this situation as an opportunity to learn about yourself, women, relationships. You can gain experience about the end game, too. You can learn to consciously change your thoughts, emotions and behavior in a stressful situation.

She chose an option for herself when she started to put her mind into that other guy secretly but kept you as a backup. That's the typical fate of some nice guys. You have become her friend, her safety net.

You can create an option for yourself, too. And maybe she changes her mind about you if you show much less interest in her. She wants more passion, more excitement and new things, at least now. The new guy is a new challenge, a new possibility for her. It can change if she gets bad experience with him and starts to appreciate your stability again or if you see your fading interest in her as a challenge.

Either she will come back or you will find a new girlfriend. Or maybe both at the same time and then you will have a new dilemma.


Q3. {Follow up for Q2}
You are right..... at present I am nothing but a safety net for her and a companion as the other guy don't live in HK.

Yes I want to flip this situation to my opportunity. I am a warrior not looser. I need to believe in myself and gain experience from it.

I have already started distancing myself from her and will make myself busy in a positive way..... will start cooking, attending more activity classes at gym, will socialise often. I am still hoping her to come back some day.

You have helped me a lot..... I am gaining my confidence and self esteem back. Thanks to you.

A3. Focusing on new activities, gaining back your confidence and self-esteem are good. But these are not enough.

Your problems are rooted mainly in your mindset and that's what you need to focus on to improve, too.

"I am still hoping her to come back some day."
This kind of thinking is the result of your deep beliefs and values. You might want to upgrade them, too. Your behavior and the outcome of your actions will change when your core thinking changes. That's not easy and takes long time and most people don't even have any ideas about this topic.


Q4. {Follow up for Q3}
Apologies but I am not getting you here quite well... What mindset and deep believes are you referring here ?? Do you mean I should not love deeply or I should not completely trust my partner ?

Can you please elaborate it a little so i can understand your point.

A4. I am not talking about any specific things. I am talking about your leverage points where you can take over the control over your life and become more effective and successful.

You are focusing mainly on specific things:
Level 1: the outside word, the environment, in this case your girlfriend and his new guy.
Level 2: your specific actions and decisions (should I do this or that?)

You also mentioned learning presentation skills, which is Level 3, that is, improving your capabilities and skills.

What I am talking about is the Level 4: Mind optimization or meta-cognition. Developing your mind and especially your mindset (mental models and values), strategies, mental processes, abstract thinking as opposed to thinking only in specific and concrete. So mainly being aware of your mental models, learning new ones and replacing certain elements of your mindset with better ones.

Mastering all of the levels is important. You need all. But Level 4 is where your real power is and unfortunately most people haven't even heard of it.